If your partner has ADHD, you may feel the need to “overhelp,” which involves taking on their tasks for them. Over time, this can lead to feelings of anxiety and resentment.

While there is considerable research studying the lives and well-being of adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), there is much less on non-ADHD partners in a relationship or dating someone with ADHD.

Although this condition can affect a marriage or partnership in various ways, one of the most frequent difficulties is the feeling of loneliness.

ADHD can affect a person’s executive functioning skills, which are the skills necessary to navigate:

  • organizing and prioritizing
  • focusing, sustaining, and shifting attention
  • regulating alertness, sustaining effort, and processing speed
  • modulating emotions
  • utilizing working memory and accessing recall
  • monitoring and self-regulating action

This could include forgetting to do household chores, seeming to ignore their spouses or children, and having difficulty holding a job.

While these symptoms are undoubtedly tricky for people with ADHD, they’re also challenging for their spouses or partners. This is especially true in a long-term relationship, which requires a joint effort on behalf of both partners to maintain.

A 2022 study found that individuals with ADHD and their spouses had less favorable levels of:

  • conflict
  • marital adjustment
  • conflict resolution styles

In a relationship between someone with ADHD and someone without ADHD, it’s common for the non-ADHD partner to attempt to take more control over family matters like cleaning, paying bills, and staying organized.

The non-ADHD partner’s tendencies to “overhelp” can create or worsen unhealthy dependencies and eliminate opportunities for the ADHD partner to practice life management skills. Overhelping means doing too many things for the ADHD partner due to the partner’s difficulties with getting things done.

Overhelping may lead the non-ADHD partner to develop anxiety because they feel overwhelmed by taking on so many of the daily tasks at home.

Resentment can develop as a result of the non-ADHD partner’s tendency to overhelp and the ADHD partner’s learned helplessness.

When an ADHD partner gets used to having most things done for them and their family by the other partner, they may become more dependent on the non-ADHD partner. This codependency may lead to frustration and possibly the end of a relationship, unless both partners work to address the problems they’re causing in the relationship dynamic.

Tips for coping when your partner has ADHD

  • Read up: Learning about ADHD can increase your understanding and compassion for your partner.
  • Create a schedule: Structure can greatly improve the functioning of many people with ADHD. Try encouraging your partner to keep a daily schedule for tasks and events.
  • Set reminders: Adding reminders with sticky notes, on a dry-erase board, or through phone to-do lists or alarms can help a partner with ADHD stay on track.
  • Minimize mess: While people with ADHD may have difficulty with organization, clutter tends to add to these symptoms. Encourage or assist your partner in setting up a way to help keep your household neat and easier to manage.
  • Seek clarity: Asking your partner to repeat any requests after making them can help them stay on task and minimize misunderstandings.

A mismatch between sexual or intimacy expectations and reality can pose a major challenge in a long-term relationship.

A 2020 study found that some people with ADHD have a higher sex drive and report lower sexual satisfaction compared to individuals without ADHD.

On the other hand, healthcare teams sometimes treat ADHD with antidepressants, which can reduce sex drive and sexual performance as a side effect.

For the spouse with ADHD

If you’ve received a diagnosis of ADHD or suspect you have this condition, seeking treatment can improve not only your quality of life but also your role as a partner.

The first step to getting help is to contact a mental health professional. They can help develop a treatment plan that works for you.

They will likely suggest a mix of different treatments, such as medication and talk therapy. It’s important to stick to your specific treatment plan to effectively minimize your symptoms.

One of the most helpful things a spouse with ADHD can do to help their relationship is to acknowledge that their symptoms are interfering with their relationship and get help.

For the spouse without ADHD

If your spouse has ADHD, you might be feeling frustrated, tired, upset, lonely, and perhaps emotionally detached from your partner. Instead of continuing to fight these feelings, you can work on resolving them together with your partner.

Talking with a psychotherapist or other mental health professional about your experience can be helpful. They can offer unbiased insight on how to best navigate your situation. There are also online and in-person support groups for spouses of people with ADHD.

For the couple together

While it may be challenging to be in a partnership or marriage when one person has ADHD, it is possible to make it work, especially when working together as a team.

Family or couples therapy can sometimes help identify problems and develop solutions.

Patience and support are important in maintaining a relationship with a person who has ADHD, as this is a condition they will manage for the rest of their life.

Building a toolkit

Check out the best products and apps for managing focus and anxiety in ADHD here.

In a relationship where one of the partners has ADHD, there can be significant challenges to overcome.

However, with treatment, patience, and support, it’s possible to maintain a healthy, loving relationship with a person who has ADHD and help them manage and feel their best.

If you’re a spouse of someone with ADHD, it’s important to also take care of your own needs and seek help if you feel overwhelmed.