Dating Someone with Depression? Don’t Forget to Support Yourself, Too

Learn more about depression

Learning to distinguish myth from reality can make a big difference in how you show up for your partner.

You may be able to offer better support if you have a more accurate understanding of how depression affects them.

Doing some research is a great way to expand your knowledge without putting the burden of education on your partner. (Get started with this guide.)

Since depression affects people in different ways, ask about their experience once you have a handle on the basic facts.

Try, “Could you tell me more about how you’re feeling today?” Listen actively to what they have to say, offering empathy and validation instead of advice.

Don’t be afraid to ask if they think about suicide, if they’re comfortable talking about it. Some people feel afraid to share suicidal thoughts with loved ones.

But by asking, you’re letting them know they can be honest with you, and you won’t judge them. If they don’t think about suicide, they won’t suddenly start just because you mentioned the topic.

Aim to encourage instead of giving advice

Treatment helps improve symptoms of depression for many people, so you might think it’s best to urge them to see a therapist.

But here’s the thing about depression: It can make even simple tasks seem insurmountable. A quick internet search might seem easy to you, but someone in a depression fog might feel overwhelmed by just the thought.

• Instead of: “You should go to therapy,” or “You need help.”
• Try: “Have you thought about talking with a therapist?”

If they seem open to the idea, you can help make the process less daunting by offering to search for a therapist with them, schedule an appointment, and go with them to their first sessions (if they desire).

If they’re already seeing a therapist, remember that it takes time before you may see improvements, and not all approaches work for everyone. It’s OK to ask how things are going, but avoid pressuring them to try other approaches.

Pushing lifestyle changes generally doesn’t help either. Try to avoid saying:

• “You should exercise more.”
• “Going outside to get some sun will make you feel better.”
• “If you ate healthier foods, your mood would improve.”

Sunlight and physical activity may help, but they aren’t cures. Your advice, however well-intentioned, may give your partner the impression you really don’t get what they’re going through.

Instead, encourage them to do something with you:

• “I’m feeling a little restless. Let’s go for a walk together.”
• “The weather is great today! Why don’t we eat lunch outside?”

Know that things might not always go as planned

Depression can make it tough to do even the things you really want to do, and your partner may not always feel up to following through with plans.

Perhaps you’ve noticed they have lost interest in things you usually do together. This disinterest, known as anhedonia, commonly happens with depression.

Treatment may help renew their interest and energy, but in the meantime, offer compassion instead of criticism by validating their feelings.

• Instead of: “You never want to spend time with me anymore.”
• Try: “I’m sorry you can’t make it to our plans tonight. I understand you don’t have the energy when you feel so low. How would you feel about doing something at home instead?”

Even if you wonder what your friends think when you regularly show up to hangouts alone, avoid saying anything your partner hasn’t given you permission to share.

A simple, “They couldn’t make it,” may not satisfy anyone’s curiosity, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is honoring the trust they have placed in you.

It’s also worth remembering that you don’t have to stay home yourself unless you want to keep them company when they need support.

Otherwise, sticking with your original plans can help you avoid frustration and resentment, which may be a better choice for your own mental health.

Reconsider your approach to communication

Depression often involves negative thought patterns. Your partner might say things like:

• “I can’t do anything right.”
• “I could disappear right now and no one would care.”
• “I must be so boring. I can’t imagine why you want to spend time with me.”
• “I’ll never get better.”

You might want to immediately reassure them that these beliefs are completely false. But you can’t talk someone out of depression, so this may backfire.

Maybe they insist you’re just trying to make them feel better, or shut down and stop telling you how they feel.

Instead of trying to refute their negative thoughts, try validating their feelings without agreeing. Then gently draw their attention to their strengths and positive traits. For example:

• “I know you feel discouraged because therapy hasn’t helped immediately. You’re putting in a lot of effort toward feeling better, though, and I really admire your determination.”
• “I know that depression can make you feel alone, but I’m always here to keep you company.”
• “I understand you haven’t felt like yourself lately, but you’re still you, and I’m here to support you through this.”

Take time for yourself when you need it

It’s natural if you want to do whatever you can to make things a little easier for your partner. You won’t have much to offer if you neglect your own basic needs, though.

Everyone needs time for self-care, but looking after your well-being becomes even more important when supporting a loved one. If you prioritize their needs at the expense of your own, you could end up overwhelmed or resentful.

Exhaustion and stress may eventually lead to burnout.

To maintain your mental health, good self-care practices are key. Try these:

• Get about 7 to 9 hours of a good night’s sleep.
• Eat regular, balanced meals.
• Make time for physical activity.
• Take alone time when you need it.
• Enjoy your hobbies.
• Build emotional awareness through meditation, journaling, art, or other mindful activities.
• Relax with friends and family.

Taking care of your physical and mental health can have the added benefit of encouraging your partner to do the same.

Set boundaries and stick to them

Healthy boundaries may help make healthier relationships.

Establishing boundaries means setting limits around specific behaviors that don’t work for you. Boundaries help safeguard physical and emotional needs, so honoring them is healthy. It doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring.

For example, maybe your partner regularly cancels plans when they feel low, which you completely understand. The challenge lies in the fact that they want you to skip out, too, but you don’t want to.

You may set a boundary by telling them that you’ll proceed with your plans unless there’s an emergency.

Say you’re heading out to meet with friends. Your partner texts: “Sorry, I can’t make it. Can you come over instead?” You stick to your boundary by replying, “I’ve been really looking forward to this get-together. Maybe tomorrow?”

People with depression may sometimes lash out and say hurtful things. You know they don’t mean them, but you can still choose to protect yourself by setting a boundary around unkind or derogatory language.

Next time they have an outburst, try saying: “It seems like you’re pretty angry right now. I’ve asked you not to shout at me, so I’m going to leave. We can talk when you feel calmer.”

Turn to others for support

A partner trying to manage their depression may not have the emotional capacity to support you as they usually would.

Everyone needs social support, but friendships outside of your romantic relationship become even more valuable if your partner has depression.

Suppressing emotions may isolate you and cause emotional turmoil. Trusted loved ones can listen and offer support. Their compassion and validation can meet some of your needs and positively impact your well-being.

Support groups can also be a good option if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your partner’s mental health details with anyone you know.

It’s also worth considering talking with a therapist on your own. Dating someone with depression may not always be easy, and it never hurts to strengthen your coping skills and practice new ways of communicating.

Takeaway

Most people would agree that loving someone means accepting them as they are. This acceptance becomes even more important if your partner lives with depression.

Showing your acceptance is sometimes as simple as listening and validating their distress, but it’s natural if you feel that you need a little extra support when it comes to nurturing your relationship.

And remember: Supporting your partner shouldn’t get in the way of your own mental and overall well-being. You may need to set some boundaries to help nurture your relationship.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.