Children are likely to develop secure attachment by having available, sensitive, and responsive caregivers. When that’s not the case, a child may develop an insecure attachment, which can take several forms.
Attachment theory is probably one of the most studied in parenting. Although attachment in the early years centers on the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver, it also influences future relationships, including romantic ones.
Let’s take a closer look at how you (knowingly or unknowingly) shape your child’s reaction to certain situations — and how it might come down to attachment style.
Parents have many roles: You teach your children, discipline them, take them to the dentist, and so much more. And whether you realize it or not, you influence them just by being there.
Your presence is about making your child feel loved, safe, secure, and protected. This leads to attachment.
Attachment theory was developed in the 1960s and 1970s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth.
It discusses how parents (specifically the female parent) who are present and responsive to their baby’s needs give their child a safe base from which to venture forth with confidence to explore the big, wide world — and then return to it for comfort.
So, you’re building a future. And here’s why:
- Raising your child in a way that makes them believe you’re there for them means that they may experience less fear than children who aren’t raised that way.
- This precious feeling of trust is built during infancy, childhood, and adolescence — phew, you’re granted a good few years to get it right! — and influences future relationships. Take note, however, that at
6 months old , your baby is already beginning to anticipate your responses to their distress. And they’re already shaping their own behaviors to jive with those responses. - By giving your child positive caregiver experiences, they’ll trust that others can do the same.
Ainsworth defined three main types of attachment. Later, researchers added a fourth type. These are:
Secure attachment is what you’re aiming for. It happens when parents or other caregivers are:
- available
- sensitive
- responsive
- accepting of emotional reactions
In relationships with secure attachment, parents let their children explore their environment but are there for them when they come back for security and comfort.
These parents pick up their children, play with them, and reassure them when needed. So, the child learns they can express negative emotions, and someone will help them.
Children who develop secure attachments learn how to trust and have healthy self-esteem. That sounds like bliss! As adults, these children are in touch with their feelings, competent, and generally have successful relationships.
This type of attachment happens when parents respond to their child’s needs sporadically. Care and protection are sometimes present — and sometimes not.
In anxious attachment, the child can’t rely on their parents to be there when needed. Because of this, the child may fail to develop any feelings of security from the attachment figure.
And since the child can’t rely on their parent to be there if they feel threatened, they might not easily move away from the parent to explore.
The child may then become more demanding and even clingy, which may or may not draw a positive response from the parent.
In anxious attachment, the lack of predictability suggests that the child may become needy, angry, and distrustful.
Sometimes, a parent has trouble accepting and responding sensitively to their child’s needs. Instead of comforting the child, the parent:
- minimizes their feelings
- rejects their demands
- doesn’t help with difficult tasks
This can lead to avoidant attachment.
In addition, the child may be expected to help the parent with their own needs. The child may learn that it’s best to avoid bringing the parent into the picture. After all, the parent doesn’t respond helpfully.
In avoidant attachment, the child typically learns that their best bet is to shut down their feelings and become self-reliant.
Ainsworth showed that children with an avoidant attachment won’t turn to the parent when they’re distressed and try to minimize showing negative emotions.
When it comes to anxious-avoidant attachment, also often referred to as disorganized attachment, parents often show atypical behavior: They reject, ridicule, and frighten their child.
As a result, when the child approaches the parent, they may feel fear and increased anxiety instead of care and protection.
The first three attachment styles are sometimes referred to as “organized.” That’s because the child learns how they have to behave and organizes their strategy accordingly.
This fourth attachment style, however, is considered “disorganized” because the child’s strategy is disorganized — and so is their resulting behavior.
Eventually, the child starts to develop behaviors that help them feel somewhat safe. For example, the child may:
- become aggressive toward the parent
- refuse care from the parent
- simply become super self-reliant
So, how do children with different attachment styles react in any given situation?
Secure attachment
- In her famous study, known as The Strange Situation, Ainsworth showed that children who are securely attached go to their parent (or other caregiver) for soothing when they feel insecure and are comforted quite easily.
- The child shows empathy for others and tries to comfort another child in distress.
Anxious attachment
- In The Strange Situation, children with anxious attachment weren’t easily comforted when distressed and took a long time to calm down.
- The child could be reluctant to explore a new playground.
- The child may cling and cry in an exaggerated way when left with a new caregiver.
Avoidant attachment
- The child is at ease interacting with a stranger and won’t turn to their parent for comfort.
- The child may choose to run off and explore and won’t return to the safe base of their parent for a quick hug.
- The child is super self-reliant and prefers to figure out by themselves how to handle a toy box lid that just won’t open.
Anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment
- The child may run to their parent for comfort when distressed, but at the same time will resist and struggle when the parent tries to comfort them.
- The child fully ignores the presence of the parent.
- The child appears dazed or confused when the parent is around.
Childhood attachment styles can affect the way a person feels and behaves in their relationships as an adult. While that puts quite a burden on parents’ shoulders, it’s important to remember that everyone makes their own choices.
Secure attachment
Children who experience secure childhood attachment generally move on to successful intimate relationships as adults.
They are honest, supportive, and comfortable sharing their feelings. Secure attachment can prepare a child for other social challenges, which in turn can lead to their success.
Anxious attachment
Clingy children may grow into clingy adults.
Adults with an anxious attachment are more likely to become demanding and worried in relationships, even codependent. They’re constantly second-guessing whether they’ve done too much — or too little — for their relationship.
Avoidant attachment
Do you know someone who struggles with commitment? Adults with an avoidant attachment may enter relationships but often pull away when things become too close.
They may distance themselves emotionally or physically in an effort to maintain their independence, avoiding deeper engagement as a way of protecting themselves.
Anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment
They were also more likely to show impaired formal operational skills, such as abstract thinking, hypothetical reasoning, logical reasoning, and perspective-taking, as well as have trouble with self-regulation as they got older.
That said, these findings are from older research, and more recent studies may be needed.
Bowlby believed the attachment styles that you develop in your early years remain relatively unchanged for the rest of your life. He suggests that people react according to an “if, then” paradigm: “If I am upset, then I can count on my partner to support me (or not).”
In contrast, neuroscience has demonstrated that things aren’t as simple as that.
Research suggests that we can change the way our brains work. The first step is noticing there’s an issue and deciding you want to make a change. The second is actually making that change.
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Parenting is about sculpting a future for your child. It’s best to aim to be there for them — emotionally and physically. This can help encourage the secure attachment that leads to the healthiest behaviors in adulthood.
Don’t worry if you don’t always get it right. And if you feel that you’d like to work toward changing your own attachment style, remember that nothing is carved in stone.