How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Manipulation and What to Do

Signs of emotional manipulation in a relationship

The signs of emotional manipulation can be subtle and complex to identify. Recognizing manipulation tactics and setting boundaries may help protect your emotional well-being.

Trying to maintain “home court advantage”

Being on your home turf, whether it’s your actual home or just a favorite coffee shop, can be empowering. If the other person insists that you meet them in their realm, they may be trying to create an imbalance of power.

For example:

• “Walk over to my office when you can. I’m busy right now to trek over to you.”
• “You know how far of a drive is for me and how tired I am after work. Come over tonight.”

Getting too close too quickly

A typical manipulation strategy is to pull your heartstrings. This could translate into trying to get emotionally close to you quicker than usual.

Someone who uses manipulation tactics may skip a few steps in the traditional get-to-know-you phase. They may share secrets and vulnerabilities or express how they feel about you.

For example:

• “I feel like we’re connecting on a really deep level. I’ve never had this happen before.”
• “I’ve never met someone with your vision. I just want to spend more time with you to learn from you.”

Twisting or ignoring the facts

Gaslighting is a common manipulation tactic. One goal is to alter reality with lies, fibs, or misstatements to create confusion so you can no longer trust your own instincts or experience.

Someone who relies on gaslighting may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable or understate their role in a conflict to gain sympathy.

For example:

• “I just asked a simple question. She didn’t have to come at me that way, especially after all I’ve done for her.”
• “I can’t believe you said those things. I cried all night and didn’t sleep a wink after our argument. You’re always making me feel so bad.”
• “I never said that. You’re always making things up.”
• “I am not late. This is exactly the time you told me the event started.”

Relying on intellectual bullying

Some people may use statistics, jargon, historical facts, or rare vocabulary to explain things to you or respond to a question. This could be just how they know how to communicate or an attempt to exert intellectual power over you and make you feel insecure or confused.

Manipulation tactics may also include pointing out that you may not know or understand something because of your background, age, tenure, or any other condition.

For example:

• “What a great question! But you’re new here, so I don’t expect you to understand this.”
• “Let me go through this slowly so you can maybe understand.”

Dismissing or invalidating your concerns

A common manipulation method is dismissing or ignoring other people’s concerns or questions. This strategy aims to monopolize information and control other people’s choices and decisions.

For example:

• “Why do you ask? I don’t understand why you don’t just trust me.”
• “You’re so anxious. I’m not going to give you more reasons to fuzz. Let me handle this.”

If you have a bad day, they may also take the opportunity to bring something up that invalidates your experience. This is also an attempt to shift the focus on them.

For example:

• “You think that’s bad? At least you don’t have to deal with a long commute.”
• “Not sure what the big deal is. You should be thankful you have a brother. I’ve felt alone all my life.”

Acting like a martyr

Someone who behaves manipulatively may eagerly agree to help you with something and then drag their feet or look for ways to avoid following through.

They may suddenly comment about being overwhelmed or exhausted or say that helping you has become an enormous burden. They may continue saying they will do it “for you” but won’t stop emphasizing its difficulty.

For example:

• “I just had such a difficult day, and now I have to find the energy to help you with this. Ugh! I wish I could just go to bed.”
• “You should have told me how difficult this task was. It’s already taken me so many hours.”

Joking with serious matters

Critical remarks may often be disguised as humor or sarcasm. Someone may pretend they’re saying something in jest while trying to plant a seed of doubt.

For example:

• “Wow! How long has it been since you had a good night’s sleep?”
• “I saw this meme about a toxic partner, and it reminded me of you.”

Avoiding accountability

Someone who uses manipulation in their relationships may rarely, if ever, accept responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they may point fingers at you, insist you “made them do it,” or imply they had the best intentions and you’re not valuing them enough. You may even end up apologizing for something you feel you didn’t do.

For example:

• “You say you love me, yet you judge me all the time. I guess you are perfect.”
• “Of course I am going to raise my voice! What do you expect me to do if you never want to hear my side of the story.”

They may also accuse you of being unreasonable or not being adequately invested.

For example:

• “I didn’t do anything wrong. If you really loved me, you’d never question me.”
• “I didn’t forget about the appointment. I just decided I couldn’t take that job. I don’t want to be away from my kids so much.”

Competing

Competition as a manipulation tactic may take many forms. Someone may try to make you feel insecure about what you bring to the table, or maybe they one-up you every chance they get.

For example:

• “Congrats on your pay increase! How come you didn’t get the promotion, though?”
• “That’s nothing! My boss loves coming by the office right before my break to ensure I can’t have lunch.”

Criticizing you

Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm. Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem.

They’re meant to ridicule and marginalize you. Often, the manipulator is projecting their insecurities.

For example:

• “Don’t you think that dress is a little revealing for a client meeting? I guess that’s one way to get the account.”
• “All you do is eat.”

Using your secrets or insecurities against you

When someone who manipulates knows your weak spots, they may use them to wound you. They may make comments and take actions meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and upset.

For example:

• “I thought you didn’t want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Look what you’re doing to them now.”
• “They’re always a tough audience. I’d be nervous if I were you.”

Using guilt trips or ultimatums

During a disagreement or fight, a person who uses manipulation tactics may make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot or force you to change your mind. This is guilt tripping.

They may also use silence as a way to elicit a response from you. They may stop responding to your calls, emails, direct messages, or any other form of communication.

For example:

• “If you leave me, I don’t have any reasons left to live.”
• “Not staying late to finish that report shows your dedication to this office.”

Appearing calm and composed

A common manipulation tactic is to say something triggering and then remain inexpressive or seemingly calm during the emotionally charged situation. The goal is to use your reactions against you and imply you’re out of line.

For example:

• “Why are you so upset? Chill! We are just talking about it. You don’t have to take it to the next level.”
• “It’s funny how you get yourself worked up about everything.”
• “I am OK. You’re the one making a big deal out of this.”

How to manage emotional manipulation

The first step is to become aware of what could be an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. It may take time to identify the signs, especially if they’re subtle, but recognizing patterns and developing self-awareness may help.

If you feel something is off and you’re being treated in a way that makes you uncomfortable, trust your instincts.

These tips may also help:

• If you feel OK with it, apologize for your part, but then move on: You likely won’t get a genuine apology from someone who manipulates, but it may be a good idea not to dwell on it either. You can own up to what you know you did or said but say nothing of other accusations or mention anything they’ve done.
• Don’t compete: Learn to recognize the strategies the other person uses so you can adequately prepare your responses. You could ignore their comment and move away, or you could also acknowledge what they are saying but note you’re not in the space to focus on them. For example, “I am sorry you’re also dealing with a difficult boss, but right now, I am not in the mental space to support you through this because of what I just said. I am having a hard time myself.”
• Set boundaries: Emotional manipulation is about control. Control over your thoughts, emotions, reactions, and behaviors. Saying no, avoiding competition and arguments, and standing your ground are great ways to establish boundaries. If they realize they don’t have that control, their tactics may grow more intense. Eventually, they’ll tire of using those tactics with you because they don’t have the expected reaction, or this may be the time for you to make some difficult decisions, like ending the relationship.

Other things to keep in mind:

• If you don’t have to interact with that person, consider cutting them out of your life entirely or at least voiding them as much as possible.
• If you live with them or work together, you can practice setting boundaries.
• You may find it helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor about how you’re handling the situation and how you feel about the relationship.

Takeaway

Gaslighting, competition, and acting like a victim may be signs of emotional manipulation. Setting boundaries, cutting ties, and seeking professional help can help you find ways to manage emotional manipulation and heal from the hurt it may cause.